The Very Secret Diary of Orophin
Day 1
Began archery practice today. Rúmil nearly shot Celeborn in the bum. Then he blamed it on me. Puh-lease! Everyone knows I have the best aim… yes, even better than Haldir. *mumbles about stupid Rúmil and Celeborn and goes back to peeling potatoes*
Day 283
Rúmil, Haldir, and I tried yoga today. They said that it would improve flexibility and relaxation. I don't believe them. As I attempted the "forward facing dog" position, all I heard was whispers and giggles behind me. Stupid brothers.
Just for the record, my name is not "Orophin the Oliphant." I'm just big boned.
Day 547
Found a great ad in the Lothlorien Observer! "Wanted: Marchwardens for the Golden wood. Must be skilled with a bow and familiar with silent tree climbing. Perfect hair is a must."
Will be applying shortly.
Haldir pens Orophin hard. Rúmil rulz!
Day 586
As you can see, Haldir and Rúmil invaded my diary and decided to apply as marchwardens too. Stupid brothers. I get no privacy around here. I swear if I find Haldir's socks lying on my toothbrush again, someone's losing an eye.
On a brighter note, have an interview with Galadriel for the marchwarden position tomorrow.
Day 587
Interview didn't go so well. I got flustered when the Lady asked me what I'd do if confronted with a ring of power. I guess "pawning it for Longbottom leaf" was not the correct answer. Plus she yelled at me for staring…at her… umm…
I was looking at her brooch! Honest! *mumbles about stupid Galadriel and goes back to peeling potatoes*
Day 589
Lesson learned today: Skateboards are not a safe mode of transportation in Lorien.
Day 592
Well, I now officially protect the borders of the Golden Wood. The only bad thing is that I'm on patrol with my brothers and Haldir is supposedly the leader. *sulks*
Celeborn and Galadriel wouldn't think he's so perfect if they knew about his "Playelf" magazine collection…
Day 678
Was horribly disturbed today. Believe I'll be needing an elven psychologist. Spotted Galadriel from afar bathing. Thought I'd stop for a moment and take in the "beautiful scenery" if you know what I'm saying…
…wait… this is a diary… of course I know what I'm saying…
Anyway, continued watching for some time only to find that it was actually Celeborn. Stupid effeminate elves.
Day 700
Knew it was going to happen eventually… Rúmil shot Haldir in the bum with an arrow. He claimed to have thought he was a bear. Ha! A bear? A fairy maybe, but certainly not a bear.
Was laughing too hard. Could not administer first aid. Had fun convincing Haldir that the arrow was poisonous and that he would have to use his yoga skills to suck the poison out.
Got in trouble for Haldir being tied in a knot. *mumbles about stupid yoga and goes back to peeling potatoes*
Day 859
Today patrol was interesting. Rúmil and Haldir were goofing off in the top of a tree… probably restyling each other's hair again… when Haldir fell out of the tree and landed on a hobbit. Of course I had already been tracking this strange group… hobbits, an elf, some men, and a big smelly dwarf. Haldir then took all credit for finding the hooligans in the forest and brought them to Galadriel. Stupid Haldir.
I kept spraying the dwarf down with "Eau de Mallorn" because, frankly, he smelled of a burnt hairball wrapped in a dead deer. *gags*
Day 867
Galadriel seems oddly fascinated by the hobbits. I spied her showing one of them the cable reception on her mirror when she started asking all crazy. Later I asked her if it was the hairy feet that were making her all frisky, but she kept muttering something about "passing the test" blah blah blah…
I'm beginning to wonder if old age is finally taking a toll on her mind.
Day 869
Rúmil and Haldir insisted that the smelly dwarf try yoga. Wrong. It's just wrong. Have you ever seen a big hairy dwarf in the "plow" position? It was so disturbing; I nearly lost control of my upper torso.
Please excuse me now, I must go stab at my mind's eye with a stick. Stupid dwarf.
Day 871
Beginning to think that Haldir may be jealous of Legolas. They got into a heated debate on hair and make-up. Quite sad really… Legolas continues to wear fall colours when he is so obviously a spring.
In the end they settled the dispute with a make-over party and new shoes. I should kill them both. Would that make me evil?
Where is that ring of power? I could sooo use some Longbottom leaf right now…
Day 888
We had to send off that crazy Fellowship today. Apparently Rúmil was supposed to have some gift baskets ready to give them. He obviously stayed up too late last night… a bit too much Dorwinion, I'd wager. After chasing him around with a sausage sandwich this morning thus making him revisit his last meal, was sent on a hunt for fabulous Lorien gifts to bestow upon the Fellowship.
Managed to come up with some old cloaks, some rusty blades, one of Haldir's old bows, some bath salts, and AOL 5.0 start-up CD's for them. They didn't seem too thrilled with the bath salts. Hmmph. Ungrateful Fellowship.
Day 889
I'm tired of Haldir's non-stop sobbing over the departure of Legolas. The high pitched wails are keeping me up at night. Rúmil even got him a cardboard cut-out of Legolas to help him feel better. It's not working. Stupid Haldir.
I hope that if anyone ever makes a movie with him in it, they kill him off.
elvenmistress
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