A new twist on an old favourite

Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Starbucks. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of decaffeination, none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. We are all bound to this one fate, this one doom. Bring forth the packet of coffee Frodo.
[Frodo puts the pouch of coffee on a stand for all to see]
Boromir: It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Starbucks. Why not use this packet? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Starbucks at bay. By the blood of our people are your cafes kept safe. Give Gondor the grinds of the enemy. Let us use brew and not him.
Aragorn: You cannot grind it. None of us can. The One Coffee is brewed by Sauron alone. It has no other waiter.
Boromir: And what would a Ranger know of this matter?
Legolas: This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance. Aragorn: Havo dad, Legolas.
Boromir: Gondor has no coffeehouse, Gondor needs no coffeehouse.
Gandalf: Aragorn is right. We cannot use it.
Elrond: You have only one choice. The coffee must be brewed.
Gimli: Then what are we waiting for.
[unsuccessfully tries to open the packet in half with his axe]
Elrond: The Coffee cannot be opened, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any cutlery that we here possess. The Coffee was made in the kitchen of Mount Doom. Only there can it be brewed. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the flimsy can from whence it came. One of you must do this.
Boromir: One does not order a coffee in Mordor. It's confections are served by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not stop perking, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddled with cookies, fancy pastries, and dusted doughnuts; the very air you breathe is a fume of hidden calories. Not with ten thousand could you do this. It is folley.
Legolas: Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Coffee must be brewed.
Gimli: And I suppose you think you're the one to brew it?
Boromir: And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron decides to serve us decafe?
Gimli: I will be dead before I drink decafe. Never!