I have recently been involved in the periphery of a lot of spats and grumbles between a couple I know. I know you'll all have been there so I'll explain the situation.
You have a freind you've known for several years, they get a new partner you have no real feelings for, they are just there. The couple have a few paddies at each other and you're buddy comes round for a good bitch and moaning session after one of these occurances. They are quite happily having a grumble when your phone goes, the number is blocked. Not knowing who it is you answer, it is the partner, going nuts and sobbing on the phone that thing have gone wrong and have you seen their other half. That particular other half is sat opposite you with a glass of wine in one hand and making frantic I'm not here signals and yuo have'nt seen me.
What do you do??
I know what I did but I'd like your opinions on this one aswell.
vadagh
16 Comments
For friends who already have a rescuing instinct or a keen desire to help, it's easy to get swept into the emotional storm, mistakenly thinking that perhaps you could be the perfect person to anchor the couple and get them back to safety. The problem here is that soon the triangulated person will get caught in the crossfire, when partners pressure him to take sides or to support one position over the other. Then it's a case of divided loyalties, and ensuing difficulties in the once good friendship that has been tainted by loose boundaries between the couple relationship and the healthy, separate friendship. What once seemed a good source of support, now becomes the third party's death sentence. When a friend from outside has to mediate a couple relationship and the couple fails to do this for themselves, the outlook is not very bright for everyone involved. Both relationships are now in jeopardy, and the situation may call for an unbiased third party who can help the couple sort out healthier boundaries, ways of coping with distress, and new communication strategies to settle disagreements that do not involve triangulating friends. This third party is called a couples counselor!
You best bet is to steer clear of couple's disputes, and remind them that they need to draw on their own resources to handle difficulties when they arise. You can be a supportive friend by listening, but I would avoid advice-giving or lying to protect the partner who is crying on your shoulder. I might have handed the phone to my friend and said, "Here is your wife/girlfriend who is ready to talk to you now."
I'm curious to hear how you handled such a tough situation!
However, I don't get stuck in these situations very often, because my friends know I am about solving not whining. The whole bitch session is fine, and I am there for them, but they better expect a straight call at the end of it if they want me involved. That usually involves, "I hear what you are saying, and feel for you, but now you have to crap or get off the pot. What do you want out of this relationship, and what are you going to do to get it. Take some responsibility, because unless your partner is psyco you had a part to play in this."
If the other partner calls me, I would calm them down as much as possible and let them know I'll pass on the message. Then let my friend know in no uncertain terms that putting me in that situation is Not okay. Then tell them that they better deal with it right quick because the situation is going to get worse if it is not handled in a calm and respectful manor. If they need someone to mediate, then they should consider professional help or an end to the situation. I know it sounds cold, but I've been through an ugly relationship, and life is too short to make both people miserable. Not dealing with things as they come up or keeping things from your partner is the kiss of death for a relationship, and lies even in the smallest form come back to bite you.
See us blokes can be less simple when we want to be.
Hey you know AdGuy always gets the last word! ;)