Why is it always about you? How to Deal with the Narcissists in Your Life

Why is it always about you?
How to Deal with the Narcissists in Your Life

Nearly everyone has some narcissistic traits. It's possible to be arrogant, selfish, conceited, or out of touch without being a narcissist. The practical test, so far as I know, is that with normal people, no matter how difficult, you can get some improvements, at least temporarily, by saying, essentially, "Please have a heart." This doesn't work with narcissists; in fact, it usually makes things worse (Ashmun, 2000).

We all know at least one person who could be described as selfish, self-absorbed, competitive, envious, vane, a know-it-all, argumentative, power hungry, sensitive to criticism, callous, and unsympathetic. These are just some of the characteristics of the narcissists we know and try to love. Just because you have a bad day, or even go through a difficult year, and exhibit some of these traits does not make you a narcissist by default. Almost everyone has some narcissistic traits, but being conceited, argumentative, or selfish sometimes (or even all the time) doesn't amount to a personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a long-term pattern of abnormal thinking, feeling, and behavior in many different situations that has a negative impact on social relationships (Diagnostic and Statical Manual IV-TR, 2006).

The best way to tell if you are encountering a narcissist is to go with your gut. Allow me to illustrate. Once I was at a party and met a friend of a friend, Lydia*, an attractive young woman attending acting school who claimed to be the next Julia Roberts. She seemed to take an instant liking to me and had a charming air that drew me in, making me feel as if I was truly in the presence of greatness. Compelled by her grand stories about meetings with Hollywood stars and readings for major acting roles in Los Angeles, I listened in awe and felt so important that she would talk to me. I couldn't get a word in edgewise as she went on and on about herself, but finally I managed to drop in a few words about my own endeavors as a graduate student and how much I was learning about myself. Suddenly she said it was sweet I was so interested in my studies, but studying acting was the only way to really understand who you are. She turned cold, and after a few awkward moments, she left me sitting there feeling humiliated. Had I said something to offend her?

When I brought up the subject with our mutual friend later on, he wasn't surprised by her behavior. "She's always been like that," he said. "You see, Lydia believes she will be famous one day. She was accepted to an acting school but left after only a few weeks when it wasn't what she expected. She is convinced she could be the next Julia Roberts." Turns out that this woman had never even been to Los Angeles! I had been hit by her grandiosity, an inflated sense of self that is not consistent with real talents or abilities which characterizes many narcissists. When I made the mistake of discussing my hard work in graduate school, Lydia couldn't tolerate what she must have felt was direct competition with her fantasy, and she dumped all that shame and humiliation on me with a patronizing remark and abrupt departure. When I say, "Go with your gut" I mean to pay attention to the negative feelings that narcissists tend to dump on anyone who interacts with them. If you find yourself feeling an "ick" factor of insecurity, shame, or embarrassment after speaking to someone you suspect is narcissistic, they probably are. The main indicator to tell whether you are dealing with a narcissist is that you come away feeling bad about yourself. Shame and fear are the feelings that narcissists cannot tolerate, so they find creative ways to disown them, by shedding them onto the people who threaten their carefully constructed image.

Grandiosity. Which brings me to the all-important issue of image for the narcissist. Image is everything. It's all they are. Narcissists are grandiose. They live in an artificial self invented from fantasies of absolute or perfect power, genius, and beauty. These people act like they're in love with themselves. And they are in love with an ideal image of themselves -- or they want you to be in love with their pretend self (Ashmun, 2000). They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance that is not equal to actual achievements. Let me clarify. If a world champion boxer brags about being the best in the world, that is not being grandiose because the boxer has actually achieved that status. If an average boxer does it, then it would be an inflated self image because his achievements do not match the title. That's grandiosity.

Low empathy. Lacking empathy is a profound disturbance to the narcissist's thinking (cognition) and feeling (affectivity). They can pay attention only to stuff that has them in it. This is not merely a bad habit -- it's a cognitive deficiency. They cannot read or understand what other people might be feeling, and show little concern for other's emotions. Narcissists pay attention only to themselves and stuff that affects them personally. However, since they don't know what other people are doing, narcissists can't judge what will affect them personally and seem never to learn that when they cause trouble they will get trouble back. They won't take other people's feelings into consideration and so they overlook the fact that other people will react with feeling when abused or exploited and that most people get really pissed off by being lied to or lied about (Ashmun, 2000).

Entitlement. Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit other people without any trace of reciprocation (Ashmun, 2000).

"I'm special". Narcissists believe they are "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions (DSM IV-TR, 2006). They do think of themselves as intellectually or morally superior, and everyone who is not special and superior is worthless. By definition, normal, ordinary, and average aren't special and superior, and so, to narcissists, they are worthless.

Admiration. These people require, almost demand, excessive admiration. They crave praise, compliments, deference, and expressions of envy all the time, and they want to be told that everything they do is better than what others can do. Sincerity is not a huge issue for them, all that matters to them is the sheer amount of butt-kissing. They want it all the time.

Selfish, arrogant, and envious. Narcissists selfishly take advantage of other people to achieve their own ends, they may come across as haughty, arrogant, and contemptuous of others, and they may be envious of what others have or believe that other people must be envious of them (DSM IV-TR, 2006).

And to make your experience of dealing with a narcissist even more unpleasant, they are typically very sensitive to criticism or very critical of other people. They think that they must be seen as perfect or superior or infallible, anything less would make them worthless. In fact, if you say, "Please don't do that again -- it hurts," narcissists will turn around and do it again harder to prove that they were right the first time; their reasoning seems to be something like "I am a good person and can do no wrong; therefore, I didn't hurt you and you are lying about it now..." (Ashmun, 2000).

No matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Narcissists will say anything, they will trash anyone in their own self-justification, and then they will expect the immediate restoration of the status quo. They will attack you and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, and then -- well, it's kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: "There. Now I feel better. Where were we?" They feel better, so they expect you to feel better, too (Ashmun, 2000). This is what we might call a narcissistic rage. It's not anger, because anger has a protective purpose and a rational direction: to stop whatever is causing injury. Rage has no target, it is irrational, and it can only be destructive. Sometimes you might catch a narcissist having a meltdown when he doesn't get his way. It looks a lot like a four-year old throwing a tantrum, but all the more disturbing because you're watching a grown up exhibit four-year old behavior.

Narcissists may be workaholics. Why would they work long hours if they are living in a fantasy world where they are already the stars? A narcissist may, in fact, hold himself to a grinding work schedule that gives him something like an addictive high so that, when wrought up, he can be sort of dazed, giddy, and groggy (Ashmun, 2000). Usually, this excessive busyness appears to be -- and some will even tell you this -- an attempt to distract themselves from unpleasant or inconvenient feelings. Here is the narcissists big secret, and one she has not yet discovered herself: inside, they are filled with depression. To slow down for even one minute means they might have to spend some time with themselves and look at who they really are.

So, how to deal. I got some great explanations and the bulk of this description from a website by layperson Joanna Ashmun called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):How to Recognize a Narcissist
If you would like to learn more, I strongly advise visiting her site by clicking the link. Also there are some good books that address the topic of dealing with narcissists out there, most notably "Narcissism: The Denial of the True Self" by Alexander Lowen, M.D., "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller Ph.D., and "Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" by Sandy Hotchkiss, L.C.S.W.

It is possible to live with and deal with narcissists on a daily basis, but you may need the help of grounding influences like a good social support structure, personal therapy, or a bit of reading such as from the titles listed above. Remember to determine your own self worth, and not to allow the narcissists in your life to dictate who you are and how you feel about yourself. That is the best medicine I can offer.

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