Secrets of the Women's Bathroom..

(note: i wrote this back in October but felt it needed to be shared in conjunction wtih snak's post.. my own take on the bathroom)

I was staring at the back of the bathroom stall door. It was plywood painted green which did not match any of the other colors of the small two stall bathroom. The toilet was too short so I was spending more time looking at the bottom of the door rather than the normal eye level. Janey loves Brad scrawled in marker decorated the back of the door, along with carved initials and several curse words. A lot of angry women sit on this throne.

 

So while I was contemplating the back of the bathroom stall door, I was thinking it might be fun to bare the secrets of the women's bathroom. This shocking expose that rarely gets reported on. I realize that I'm betraying my kind by writing this, but, if I'm not breaking a few rules I'm not having fun!

 

The bathroom is where we can figure out just how drunk we are at the time. The moment of peace where we stop imbibing and can figure out just how many toilet roll dispensers there are i.e. seeing single or double. And of course there is the tell tale sign of just how clear the water is.. if you leave the toilet as clear as when you sit down- you're DRUNK.

 

 Plus there is the ability of how well we hover over the seat if they don't provide those fun little seat covers (which most bars don't). There is art to the hover but it gets sloppier as the night goes on...as do the seats.. it's a never ending cycle.

                                                                                       

The bathroom is our refuge when we're "out" for the evening. It's the place we can bring our girlfriends and talk about the other girls that we like or dislike and the guys that are hot or annoying.

 

The phone conversations also are conducted there when we have no one to bring with us at the time. I have been in the stall next to someone text messaging- now THAT is multitasking! In the early part of the evening the conversations start off with "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING HERE" or " Gary better not be coming because if he does Adam will be pissed" and so on..

 

Those of us who brave it alone are often treated to overhearing quite interesting conversations.

 

"Did you see what Rachel was wearing tonight?"

"Oh I know, that top is sooo not right on her! What does she think? Brad is like soo not going home with her!"

 

OR… a classic I overheard on a phone conversation..

 

"I'm in a bar… with my friends… … what?.......... NO! I WILL NOT HAVE PHONE SEX WITH YOU NOW….. I told you I'm in the bar.. you will just have to wait till I leave for home"

 

..yea… OOOOK THEN!

 

Later in the night, the trips to the bathroom are more frequent. The girls who were on the phone arranging people to come to the bar are arranging for others to come pick them up.

This is when the crying occurs. The drunk emotional girl who has just had enough and the friends that are there to comfort her. A big drunk group hug.

 

Of course, they are blocking the path to all stalls and especially in THIS area, bathroom real estate can be tricky to come by.

 

The TP is dangerously in short supply. Paper hand towels usually get used in lieu of TP. The friendly warning the next in line of the empty rolls, the unfriendly smirking as they move on to the sink.

 

Typically by now a toilet is either clogged or .. unavailable due to the unnecessarily drunk girl who just threw up in it.

 

Crowding to the mirror, almost impossible, but yet it is done by everyone. Get that dab of make up on.. a floof to the hair. Here is where the strangers have the conversations.

 

"Oh I LOVE that blouse!"….. "what kind of lipstick is that?!"

"did you see that girl puking in there?!"

 

I have been flashed boobs several times- helped to re-arrange jewelry or other clothing items- had a friend fish out an ID that she dropped in the toilet-

 

 I have left bathrooms with phone numbers of other girls who want to be my friend and hang out. I have yet to call any of them back.. does that make me like a guy? I don't know... 

Oh yes, the public restrooms, how we adore thee. Our sanctuary of the night.

 

And then there are the conversations like these on the back of the stalls that just make it all worth it and bring it full circle.

 

~~Brenda fu**ed my man

 

~~She fu**ed mine too!

 

~~Who's your man?

 

~~Jayvon- I'll kick her ass

 ~~I'm gonna kick YOUR ass-Jayvon's my man's name!!!!!(This last has to be from Brenda herself)

~~Stop flattening my tires you stoopid hoes- u see hes not no good(And under THAT)

~~And now I'M fuckin him! Trish(And finally)

~~Jokes on all of you- he gave me clamidia!!! Betsie

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