War is not Hell, It is much Worse!

Monday, August 27, 2007, a memorial ceremony was held at the Garrison for the 7 soldiers of C Company 3 PPCLI fallen this summer.  Chris was among them.  As devastating as losing him is for me, I listened to the widow of one of the other men (an officer) speak.  She said that her husband would refer to those in his command as "his boys".  So much so that their 2 year old son began calling them "Daddy's Boys".  At the end of her heartfelt remembrance of her husband, she said that when her son is old enough she will be calling on "Daddy's Boys" to help her explain who his father was, and why he made the choices and sacrifices he did, and why those choices are why his son does not have a father.  There was no blame, just a plea for help.  I walked up to her after the reception and hugged her.  I told her who I was, and that I loved a fallen soldier also.  I told her how strong she was, and how much my heart broke for her.  How do you tell your child that Daddy is not coming home, ever.   I do not know, and selfish as it is, am glad that I do not have to.  

Yesterday, August 28, another battalion of men and women were deployed from the Garrison.  Some of them I know.  And a Canadian soldier was found dead in Kendahar.  He was shot, and murder has not been ruled out as a cause of death.

So you are probably wondering about the heading.  A famous quote "War is Hell".  Famous, but inaccurate.  

Who goes to Hell?  Sinners.  People who are capable of great evil with no remorse or empathy.  People who know the difference between good and evil, and chose evil anyway.  People that allow their greed, lust, pride or what ever sin to rule them to the extent of forsaking all other things.  Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and many others are the type of people that go to Hell.  

Who is affected by Hell?  Sinners.  The people that are choosing evil are affected by Hell.  Their victims are beyond the reach of Hell.  It is their (the sinners) punishment and prison alone.

Who goes to War?  Soldiers, Doctors, Religious Leaders, Aid Workers, and many more.  These people are there to make a difference. Regardless of the side they are on, they are there because they believe they are making a difference and doing the right thing for their people and spirituality.  Standing up for their beliefs, country, and each other.  They are willing and actually giving their lives for the fundamentals they support.  

Who is affected by War?  Everyone.  Even if we don't see it.  There are the men, women, and children that lose life and limb to land mines and suicide bombers.  There are the soldiers fighting, the trauma and devastation they see, and have to contribute to.  They are the medical personnel who clean up the aftermath of battle, or bombing.  They are those of us back home who love those away, and some lost forever.  They are everyone who pays for fuel or power and have their taxes funding a blood bath.

So in my opinion War is much worse than Hell.

When Chris died I thought I was in Hell.  The pain, despair, anger, and shock were only some of the things I felt.  I have lost part of my soul.  It has been ripped from my body and lies in his grave with him.  There is the great emptiness that consumes me, and the muted emotions I once felt.  Like a painting left in the sun to long, the worlds colours and experiences are faded and remembered as beautiful, instead of being of their own merit.  

I keep being reassured that time will help.  I don't think so.  It will allow me to deal with the loss, but it will not give him back to me.  It will not make this great injustice justified.  It will only fade the colours of the painting, so that I remember, but am no longer ruled.  

He went to Afghanistan, because he wanted to make a difference.  He succeeded, thought it cost him everything.  And cost those he loved and loved him all that he was, and could be.  A loss I fear I will never be completely whole from again.

So there I was, believing I was in Hell.  In the last 24 hours, I have realized that I am not in Hell, but in War.  And out of the two, War is much worse.  At least I have a choice about Hell.  I can choose to be good or evil.  I can choose the final outcome of what is left of my soul.  But war is beyond my control.  Saving the lives of good people, like Chris, is ripped from my grasp, and I am cast about on the will of War.  I cannot save him, no more than I can save any of the others.   That is hard to accept.  I hope that my country will rise up and demand that our men and women come home safely.  That no one else has to suffer the aftermath of war, as we have.  That resolution can be found and peace established.  That the suffering will end.  That we will find the fundamental respect and tolerance for each other and in doing so, end the existence of War.  Maybe, someday....

I miss him.