People hanging their washing out for all to see. Diaries made public to share one's intimate secrets. I never got it. I don't get it. Are your thoughts and feelings supposed to be shared? Are there people out there who care what you think, and have room for more thought and feelings mixed in with their own?
I've read some blogs from various people. Some are interesting in that there are contrary points of view to my own. I guess that's one way of learning something new, or at least to challenge your own train of thought.
I've realised even at this point that I'm already writing this to be read, instead of addressing it to myself. I should have said in the last paragraph "I guess that's one way of learning something new, or at least to challenge MY own train of thought"
Hmm, I see where this is going. I'm actually going to end up talking to myself a lot. Perhaps that's not a bad thing at all. Maybe I should talk, and listen to myself a bit more. Is that what I'm doing wrong?
Why am I asking myself this? I'm recently single, broken hearted and constantly being reminded of the girl I will refer to as 'her', and 'she' from here on in. A recent annual music concert reminded me of her, even though I was sharing it with my friends. My home, which used to be our home reminds me all the time of her. I keep finding pieces of our lives in nooks and grannies around the house.
I have been in this situation before. I've split up with someone and gone through the pain, the anger, the tears and I know that eventaully I will heal enough to move along into a more stable trundle of life. I jsut wish this bit was over quickly and I could stop being a 'down-in-the-dumps' for no known reason. I hate meeting people who ask 'How is she?' and having to explain all over again that "We're single" and "I'm sure she's fine". She's not living here, and isn't meeting all the people that I know, that we knew. I'm picking up that part of the breakup.
Funny I should call it a break-up. she and I decided and that it was a break. A 6 month trial period. A 6 month trial period to try to see how diffrerent our lives would be, to see how better or worse they would be. A 6 month trial period to delay the inevitable? I don't know. I wish I knew.
I'm getting too old for this. I was happy, and now I'm not. How many more times can I go through this? It is going to happen again, and I just want to know in myself that I'll be able to handle it.
*one cigarette later* I hate cigarettes. A smokers crutch. Does it make me think any better? Not really. It's an illusion. I'm still feeling the same after it as I did before I smoked it. I'm still writing a blog. I'm just probably a little sicker inside.
What do I say now? What other thoughts are flying around in my head. Lots. Some I want to say, and some I don't. Perhaps I'll look back here someday and not want to remember all this. Maybe I would laugh at myself.
The fact is that someone, anyone could read this. I'm afraid. I'm not sure that I want to share all of me. What if I'm really a freak behind my gorgeous exterior...LOL
Well, I'll always have my humour. I know people laugh at some of the things I say, and it's with rather than at me. I like making people smile and laugh and maybe that's what everybody really wants. to be liked and loved and remembered.
Work is getting me down. I love it, but sometimes it doesn't love me. I'm a problem solver, and sometimes it's hard to see what the problem is, let alone try to fix it. The longer I stay, the more th lives blur. Eventually, there will be just a fuzz, and no reality at all. maybe I'll just vanish into a job and never be heard from again. "It's the guy in cublicle 4", they'll say. Maybe I'll have an office. lol. Well, either way, I'll be anonymous.
There must be a better way! Some turn to drink, and some turn to drugs. They are certainly ways to escape, but probably not the best ways out there. Maybe I should travel. A good friend recommended it. But what about my career? Is that really important? If I think that I am becoming anonymous, then maybe a change is needed. I need to think more about that.
So, my brain is dumped. Do I feel any better? I don't know. Maybe as the day progresses I will. Food time I think. That's always good!
armitage_shanks
5 Comments
I've been there...almost a year ago now me n the ex broke up...in hindsight the best thing that ever happened to me, but I couldnt see it right away....too trapped as I was into my own, familiar, way of thinking.
wish I could promise you that life has something else in store for you...maybe even something better....but unfortunately I only know about MY life, and how it has ways to provide for me...
that being said...if you ever need an ear, or a shoulder...you know where to find me right?
breakups are rough stuff, can be very painful
my advice (because ive been there) is to review the things you would like to happen in your life, goals, etc. and to work towards them, have fun with friends and family, to do the things that makes you happy.
i had a breakup once that seemed devastating when it happened, after a bit of time i was happier for it.
Start doing things for yourself. What I mean by that, be selfish for a little bit. Put you first. Traveling is a good idea, but if you can't do that, then pick something that you've been meaning to try or do for a long time, but you just never got around to it.
Myself, personally, I threw myself into a number of different things, and when it was all said and done I came out with a new sense of accomplishment, some new skills, a completely different out look, changed physically for the better, and felt way better about myself.
There's nothing wrong with just taking care of you first from time to time. It beats feeling sorry for yourself, ya know.
I agree, do things for yourself, but do not confuse this distraction with healing. I have been trying to accomplish things to make me feel something, anything. In the last 3 weeks I have gotten certified in AFF (advanced free fall) and am working on my A certification in skydiving. A sport both Chris and I enjoy. I realize now that I am trying to fill the void with anything I can to suppress the feelings of loss, pain and anger. It took a near vehicle collision last night for me to see it. A woman almost ran me off the road, and I had the overwhelming anger and desire to get out of my car and punch her in the face. I didn't get out, but the fact that I wanted to scares me. I feel like an emotional time bomb. I was suppressing instead of healing. That is very dangerous.
Do things for yourself, but don't deny the feelings. Express them. If you leave them to fester, they will consume you, and erupt in ways you do not expect. You (and especially me) need an outlet. Keep talking about them and getting them in front of you. It will help you heal.
There is a lot to be said for the comfort of strangers. I know that the people here on woyano have been a great blessing to me. They have given me a place to say what is in my heart and mind, with out judgement or the aftermath of having to see them on a daily bases. There is a freedom to having an outlet that is free of external baggage.
I've written it because it was mine to write. I wanted it not only to be mine, but to be acknowledged AS mine. It was my right to have feelings. My right to express feelings. My right to be able to say to others, this is how I felt, you didn't know because you didn't ask! Writing is an outlet.
I'm getting too old for this. I was happy, and now I'm not. How many more times can I go through this? It is going to happen again, and I just want to know in myself that I'll be able to handle it.... I'm 33, and have asked myself that question each time I've been through a break up. I do have the tendency at times to think it would be easy just to say "sod it", not make the effort, let em come to you if they want to, otherwise just amble along in my own world, but then I'm the sort of person who thinks, "where's the fun in that?". I've been through the mill.. and come out the other side,and at times I think the only thing that kept me sane was my sense of humour (which is a paradox as it drives others mad!).
Now i'm in another situation where, if things go wrong, I'm in a foreign country, with no fall back net, having put my trust in the idea that two people who want something, will have the ability, common sense, and strength of character to make that something a reality.
I seem to end a lot of things on here with quotes... "Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end!". Tis true. I don't know if your much of a reader, but there's 2 books which have helped me keep my sense of me alive. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, the second of these looks like a kids story but is far more than that, and is available to read online.
Oh.. one last note... moving back onto the whole blog thing, if you start one, one thing i learnt quickly, disable comments... lol You''d be amazed how many people want to take shots at you while you're down.
Hey you know AdGuy always gets the last word! ;)