For those with a sense of humor.......Dancing with the Dictators

By Pam Meister

The current craze for dictators among the Left and Hollywood (which can be considered synonymous, I know) has reached dizzying heights, what with Sean Penn and Kevin Spacey following Harry Belafonte’s lead by making trips to visit Hugo Chavez this year and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi enjoying a spot of tea with Syria’s Bashar al-Assad. And let’s not forget the red carpet treatment Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad received at Columbia University just this week.

Something else has reached dizzying heights popularity-wise these days, and that’s reality television shows. With young couples showcasing their appalling parenting skills so that a snooty British nanny can tell them off, along with spoiled rotten rich kids whose parents put on sweet 16 parties to rival housewarmings planned by Alva Vanderbilt, I think the time is right for a brand-new reality show: “Dancing With the Dictators.” I tell you, it’s a match made in heaven. Remember those old candy commercials where the guy eating the chocolate bar and the guy eating peanut butter from the jar would bump into each other, get mad, but then try the new combination and smirk with joy? Yeah, that’s how I envision “Dancing With the Dictators”: two vile tastes that taste vile together. Wasn’t that the slogan?

Just think of it! Following Ahmadinejad’s successful stint at Columbia, these guys will no longer be trembling at the thought of bearding the lion in its den. In fact, they’ll all be clamoring to get some positive PR by not only traveling here, but appearing on television with celebrity royalty. It’s the chance of a lifetime for a producer who’s looking for a fresh approach to a genre that’s starting to become just a tad stale. An added bonus is that these guys aren’t members of SAG, and therefore won’t be subject to union wages and time restrictions. It’s a goldmine just waiting to be tapped!

And celebs and other high-profile figures will be frothing at the mouth to be on show with some of their favorite world leaders. Can you imagine the catfight between Katie Couric and Susan Sarandon for the chance to dance with Muammar Khaddafi? How about Rosie O’Donnell mowing down Barbra Streisand for a shot at twirling on the ballroom floor with Robert Mugabe? (Yes, I know Rosie’s a lesbian, but this is showbiz, which means a hefty paycheck.) Other contestant pairings might include Kim Jong-Il with Kathy Griffin, Bashar al-Assad with Nancy Pelosi (she can jet in each week from Washington), Hugo Chavez with Cindy Sheehan (they’re already fast friends, so this one’s a natural), Ahmadinejad with Charlize Theron, Vietnam’s Phan Van Kai and Janine Garofalo and for good measure, Vladimir Putin (dictator in the making) and Arianna Huffington (sparkling socialite turned pundit). This show will be so hot that even Osama bin Ladin’s PR maven might be making a satellite phone call to see if the cave dweller can get on too. And if Fidel Castro’s feeling up to it, he might be able to handle a sedate waltz with Barbara Walters.

It’s too bad Saddam Hussein and his sons Uday and Qusay aren’t available.

The problem, of course, is that there don’t seem to be any women among this bevy of international sex symbols, and so our men miss out. Not to worry…there’s room for them in the show. Dan Rather could serve as the host. His experience behind a microphone and reputation for balanced commentary make him an excellent choice for such a high-profile position. The only reason he might turn it down would be if the show was picked up by CBS, whom he is now in the process of suing for $70 million, in which case Columbia U president Lee C. Bollinger could be asked. And there are plenty of guys available to be on a rotating panel of judges. Imagine the likes of Alec Baldwin, Kevin Spacey, Sean Penn, Leonardo DiCaprio, Robert Redford, Steven Spielberg, Harry Belafonte, Danny Glover, NBC’s Brian Williams (he attended Ahmadinejad’s fancy dinner party this week), Tim Robbins, Ward Churchill and Al Franken all lending their dazzling personalities and critical eye to what promises to be a blockbuster event.

The sad thing is, such a show would likely garner a lot of interest among the glitterati and other famous types who would rather give credence to someone who claims there are no homosexuals in his country (because they are killed off) and another who blames America, not Communism, for his nation’s ills. People like Katie Couric who are a “little uncomfortable” with “the whole culture of wearing flags on our lapel and saying ‘we’ when referring to the United States,” but who are the first ones to remind us all of their First Amendment rights when anyone dares to criticize them for wanting to “understand fully” the values of guys like Ahmadinejad.

I wonder how many of the journalists and academics who accepted Ahmadinejad’s dinner invitation (see above link) would accept a similar invitation from our very own president who, whether they believe it or not, was democratically elected and wouldn’t toss them into prison for saying what they do about him publicly?

When a Jewish lesbian admits to having a “crush” on a man who executes homosexuals and declares that Israel should be wiped off the map, we should all begin to wonder exactly where this country is heading. (Leftist hint: when you come under fire for anything you say, claim it was all just a big joke.)

Here’s a free tip: just because you have the right to say or do something, doesn’t mean it’s always a good idea.

By the way, if any big Hollywood producers are reading this and decide to put “Dancing With the Dictators” together, remember: I expect not only a finder’s fee, but royalties. Have your agent call mine and we’ll talk. I’ve already got a spinoff in mind: “Dictator Extreme Makeover,” with first contestant Kim Jong-Il getting bone extensions, hair plugs and liposuction.