It is amazing how fast time goes. Have we ever considered how fast six months really is? I know I do, I can't seem to quit obsessing about time. This is something very new for me, as I have been described as having no concept of time what so ever. A quick trip for me could be anything from 10 minutes to 5 hours, literally. It's all the same to me, or at least it used to be.
Today is December 20, 2007. Six months ago this morning, Chris was getting ready for his last day on duty. His flight to New Zealand was scheduled to leave that evening. He was dressed in his uniform as always with a sharp eye for detail as any other day, and reporting for light duty. He had just gotten back to the base after walking patrols for several weeks in a very hot zone, and was looking forward to his 18 days of leave.
Six months ago this morning, Chris got into the light transport vehicle with two of his men and was making a routine supply run to another area inside the secured zone. It was the last thing he ever did.
The last time I spoke to him, he said "I'll see you in six months" I said "that's a long time" He asked "It's not too long, is it?" I answered "it is if you are planning on missing someone, but I'm sure I'll live" He laughed, a sound I would give anything to hear again. I was ready and more than willing to wait six months for him. I was counting the days, watching for the e-mails, listening to the news, and thankful for every night that brought me closer to that special six months. Four an a half months later, nine weeks short of coming home, he died. And so did a part of me.
In the last six months, the money I was saving to buy him a new scope for his rifle as a birthday present went to flying me across the country to attend his funeral. Not the way I had imagined meeting his family.
In the last six months, I have had to learn how to live again, and to remember that there is light in the darkness. Mostly done by being reminded by a really close friend (and Padre) that it is what Chris would want. For Chris I learned to live.
In the last six months, I have experienced a fundamental shift in my entire being. My priorities have been altered beyond recognition even to myself. I have been driven to accomplish things now, the selfish desires that I have always tempered so that I would be there for others, because sometimes there is no later. I have stopped marking time in what holidays or occasions are coming up. I mark it now by the 20th of the month. Each time one passes it takes me further away from him, and closer at the same time.
In the last six months, I have been forced to test my beliefs and values, to maintain my ability to empathize. For so long I had nothing left to give. Nothing for anyone. My sister had a miscarriage, and I felt nothing. I wanted to hurt for her and to comfort her, I knew I should, but there was just nothing there. I just didn't care about anything. In many ways I still don't, but I am starting to feel again, I am starting to see things and people outside of my own self. To maintain a sense of honor and compassion, and not to succumb to bitterness and develop a negative attitude toward people of the nation in which he died. To avoid self pity, and there in control the anger and pain of his loss. To remember that all people deserve understanding, regardless of their background. To remember to work toward the goals of society, freedom, safety, peace, tolerance, and community.
And in the last six months, I have learned more than I ever thought possible. Some things were good, some not, but all important. Things I could not have learned so quickly in another situation. Do these enlightenment's balance out the means by which they were received? No, not even a little bit. But I have learned them, and they will be with me forever.
Why is this posted? I needed to confess. There are very dark and unforgiving places in me, places that I need to remind myself are there, and to work to rectify. I need to remember. To reflect and to understand how far I have come in the small amount of time that has passed. I need to honor a man that made me a better person. To respect his memory and to share his message with the world, if not nearly as well as he could have. Live by your beliefs and values, respect your self and others, live each day to the fullest and do what you want to accomplish so that if it is your last you will be proud of who you are and what you have done, and always have compassion and wisdom guide you.
I, and all who loved you Chris, miss you. Where ever you are, be safe, be blessed, and know that you made a difference.
What will the next six months bring? I have no idea, but I hope I will be a better person than I am today.
Moosetracks out.
Moosetracks
5 Comments
i hope the next 6 months brings you happiness.
I especially like the fact that you remain selfless - "To remember to work toward the goals of society, freedom, safety, peace, tolerance, and community."
you are a beautiful girl, inside n out.
To be able to see blackness, and the white, and comprehend that there is a difference, is a good thing. The absence of either, a numbness if you will, is gone now. To see one, breeds appreciation / acknowledgement of the other.
Time... is indeed a weird thing. Exactly a year ago today, I was on a coach, heading to a foreign country to meet a woman i've known via the net for nearly 10 years for the 1st time in the flesh. I wound up moving over, and now live with her. My world changed.
I read and hear sung about Time healing wounds. I don't think time heals losses. I think Time brings appreciation. It gives the opportunity to review, and enjoy what was, lament was is never to be, and to explore feelings.
Wanting to be a better person is a commendable aim for anyone. Oh that it were true that there were more people who realised that it is always an attainable goal. Self realisation is a part of it. Life's road and subsequent problems has many twists and turns, and although we don't have a map, we do at least have some knowledge of the road signs. There have been times in my world where they've been obscured by fog though, others where i've ignored them completely, and still others where its seemed there were no signs, because there was no road. Self realisation is what can pull you out from there.
You, in the now, the present, are always at the beginning of a junction. Life is not what you make it, more often than not, its what your given. How you view life though, IS your choice. Its your time... to enjoy, to feel, to remember, to just Be, and what you take out of this is then what shapes you.
I was numb for a long time. After that, even pain was a release. All feelings are usable for a positive. I used what I thought was wrong, to validate my beliefs in what was right. In doing so, I believe I became, and am still becoming, a better person. This can, and will, work for you too.
Good luck in the next 6 months!
I'll be away until the 14 of january 08. have a great christmas and new year.
Hey you know AdGuy always gets the last word! ;)