Friday afternoon humour

God bless "Tommy Cooper-esque" stand-up british humour.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony
was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. 

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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " 
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

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Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah." 
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

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So I rang up my local swimming baths. 
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my
family, so it must be one of them.
either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. 
But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' 
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said You've been
promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said
You're managing director.' 
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give 
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste 
funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. 
They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. 
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

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A man walked into the doctors, 
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't 
find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for
the next 2 years. 

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
 
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Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
 
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in. 

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" 
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your 
kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. 
Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." 
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night 
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I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on. 

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So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

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You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."

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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

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So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."

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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

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My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

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So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

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So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

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So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
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So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

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So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

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So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

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I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

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So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"